SwimFinsSF

On Joy and Trauma

This morning while I was waiting for my shower water water to heat up I was leafing through a book I just bought called “A Patriot’s Handbook”. The book was put together by Caroline Kenedy and is an interesting collection of speeches, poems, and songs that represent interesting and important points in American History – everything from Dr. Martin Luthor King’s “I have a Dream” speech to excerpts from “The Grapes of Wrath” to the words to “Brother Can you Spare a Dime”. Leafing through this sparked my mind wandering to some of the important and memorable things that have happened in my life and the vivid memory I have of where I was and what I was doing when important things happened to me and around me.

(read on if you care/dare)

I remember when my Grandpa Mellang died. My mom woke me up like she did nearly every day to make sure I delivered my news papers before the sun came up. But that day she had tears in her eyes (it was her father) and told me that grandpa had passed away early that morning and that we needed to fly to Illinois in a few hours. My newspaper route was something that she felt was important that I take responsibility for myself – but that day she relaxed her resolve and helped me deliver my papers.. It seemed to help…

I remember where I was when the Challenger blew up. I was sitting in German class taking an exam when the principal came over the loudspeaker (which he NEVER did at this time of day) and announced what had happened. Beyond that I only remember stunned silence in my class room.

I remember where I was when I found out that Princess Di had died. I was walking through the Castro with my Friends Chris and Rod when we over heard the news from others as they passed on the street. We immediately ducked into the closest bar with a TV which happened to be Twin Peaks to find out. The whole bar was hushed and glued to the set. As we walked down the street later every bar with a TV had the same scene. I also remember the HUGE memorial of flowers that spilled out into the street on the corner of 18th and Castro over the next few days…

I remember the night I met Kevin. I was out with friends dancing at 1015 Folsom – Keith and Marites had come dancing to the Gay clubs with us MANY times so tonight we returned the favor by going to one of their favorite clubs. I remember seeing Kevin’s eyes and his smile while I was dancing – he was dancing with what I later learned to be his friend Katy (the birthday girl) and a bunch of her friends. I remember dancing with his friend Alicia to run interference for her when a smarmy guy was flirtin with her. I remember giving him my number at the bar before we left for the night… (I also remember it being a little whlie before he USED the number – but we won’t get into that)…

I remember where I was when I heard of the planes hitting the World Trade Center. I was in the shower that morning getting ready for the gym as usual when Kevin came in and told me that a plane had hit the first tower. I remember shooing him out of the room and telling him it was a bad joke – only to have him look at me with a grim look on his face and realize he was serious. I remember sitting on the couch in just my towel glued to the TV when the second plane hit. I remember a very well put message from our CEO telling us to stay home if we felt we needed to or to come to work if that is what we needed – but either way remember that day in particular we should tend to the ones we love…

When I thought about all of this I think the thing that struck me the most was that the number of these ‘instants’ I remember vividly which were traumatic in some way far out numbered the number of ‘instants’ which were positive and happy. Even still I think overall the times in my life which I have been happy and have had good come my way FAR out number the bad that has happened in my life. So what gives? Why is it the bad things that seem to stick in your memory as vivid memories more than the good things? I’m not generally a morose person..

The best conclusion I can come to from that is that happiness and happy events are things that came to you time and are things you often work to bring about (graduation, job, family, etc.) while trauma and sadness are things that happen TO you without your consent and at a time which shocked you out of your normal routine. That isn’t to say that there aren’t examples which don’t fall into this mold – either instants where I can remember something great or not so great things that built over a period of time – just that the averages seem to work out that way.

Anyway – just a random thought I wanted to jot down. Guess thats what you get when you delve to deeply into the wierd shit that runs through my head when I’m getting ready for my day! :):)

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